On This Mother's Day...

I can't help but think of the Mother's Day in 2008 that Jim and I spent together. Maybe it's the fact that I went to Yellowstone Bear World with my own mother this year. Even though we'd been just two weeks before. I have always enjoyed going there. But now it holds a special place in my heart. I always feel closer to Jim when I'm there. Silly. Maybe. Maybe not. There's something about petting the same animals he touched, standing where he stood, and feeling his presence that is comforting.

The deer he quickly became good buddies with. He's one of the few people I've watched actually get to pet one of the deers in the petting zoo.

We had an amazing weekend. Together. From the minute he got off the flight on Friday night until he flew back out on Monday morning.

Three years later I still wake up some mornings and wonder how he ever found his way to this tree.  How our world fell apart so quickly. How it came to be that he no longer wakes up laying next to me.

Waddles, I miss you and I love you. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wish there was more I could've done. If there's a reason and a purpose for everything I've only figured out one half of it and it's not the half related only to you. Hold the poppy a little longer today. And on this Mother's Day I thank him for being in the places I couldn't be. Love always and forever, Me

Can't Find the Words...

But luckily a friend of mine could... as I was trying to type this post and stumbling over and over my own words this quote came to my attention: "It does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live." ~ Albus Dumbledore

Going into this day I had a major case of the what ifs, could've beens, and should've beens...

I took a walk last night to clear my head. The poppies are in full bloom. I couldn't clear my mind. More than that, I'm not sure I wanted to. I came to the conclusion I've completely deleted an entire year from my life. I make myself and everyone around me a year younger than they are. I have no sense of time. Of space. For now that's okay. I need this time to feel the grief and sorrow that I've ignored for so long. I owe that much to myself. I owe that much to the both of them.

“That we find a crystal or a poppy beautiful means that we are less alone, that we are more deeply inserted into existence than the course of a single life would lead us to believe.” ~ John Berger

Save a piece of cake for me my angels.

The Darkest Winter...

Remembering this night 3 years ago.

Wrapped in his arms.

Facing the world together.

Laughing through the darkest moments.

Wishing it could be different.

Knowing it couldn't.

Exhausted and sick, what more could we do?

Pennies and Poppies, now all that remain.

It's Okay to Work Through It...

I'm so glad I have this blog to remind me of some of the important things that Jim has told me over the years. Here's a gem from last Thanksgiving that worked in that situation... and holds even truer now. I keep feeling like I'm weak if I break down and cry. Like for some reason I have to hold it all in... but in Jim's own words, "... and he let me know that he doesn't expect me to be able to just get over it and that he's there whenever I need him and that he understands if it takes me a lot longer to figure out my feelings and emotions... And that includes unlimited crying time, whenever, wherever..." I know that he still doesn't expect me to get over that... and he certainly doesn't expect me to handle this 24/7. It was okay to break down then... it certainly is okay to break down now...

Near this post was also a post of a poem I'd found by Brenda Hager. I'm going to try my hardest in the next couple of weeks to emulate this poem. I know it won't be easy, but I'll walk tall with my head held high because that's what Mr. Waddles would want of me... but when I get home... I'll know that it's okay to cry.
You Are One of the Strongest Women I Know

Strong women are those who know the road ahead will be strewn with obstacles, but they still choose to walk it because it's the right one for them.

Strong women are those who make mistakes who admit to them, learn from those failures, and then use that knowledge.

Strong women are easily hurt, but they still extend their hearts and hands, knowing the risk and accepting the pain when it comes.

Strong women are sometimes beat down by life, but they still stand back up and step forward again.

Strong women are afraid. They face fear and move ahead to the future, as uncertain as it can be.

Strong women are not those who succeed the first time. They're the ones who fail time and again, but still keep trying until they succeed.

Strong women face the daily trial of life, sometimes with a tear, but always with their heads held high as the new day dawns.


Waddles, help me be strong... help me be brave... hold me tight.

It's Going to be Tough... But I Know What I’ve Got to do...

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

8:35 PM - It’s Going to be Tough... But I Know What I’ve Got to do...
Current mood: listless
Category: Life

..You may have to push past your discomfort, especially if you have doubted yourself recently. What you must now do could seem overwhelming at first, but your best strategy is to jump right into the thick of it. Remember, the first step is the hardest. Once you've started, you'll gain the necessary momentum, even if it takes more time than you wish

Something I Learned Today

Saturday, November 10, 2007

8:46 PM - Something I Learned Today
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Life

Every tear falls down for a reason.

Some Truth to It

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

8:49 PM - Some Truth to It
Current mood: blank
Category: Life


Pain makes us grow.

I'm tired of growing.

Tired of sleepless nights.

Tired of triggers in "safe" places.

Tired of the tears.

Tired of the ghost of what might have been.

Tired of grieving.

Tired.

And I Just Thought I’d Started to Go Numb

Thursday, August 16, 2007

5:37 PM - And I Just Thought I’d Started to Go Numb
Current mood: blank
Category: Life


I'd reached this point today where I thought maybe I was just done, done with thinking, done with crying, done with trying to handle situations that were/are/remain out of my control, just plain done. Then I thought, maybe I've just started going numb. Feeling numb and ambivalent about things that have been and things that are to come. But numb and ambivalent are a good thing. They're stages. Stages that are further from where I started.


Then I came across my horoscope for the day and had a new way of thinking about where I am... maybe it's true... maybe it's just entertainment... maybe it's just a wishful projection... either way... it's a little comforting.

"Your emotions have dried up a bit, and the feeling isn't entirely unpleasant. Your deep and wild feelings have cooked under the heat of intense interactions. Instead of dreaming on the sidelines, you have become a player in the game. Don't worry; the waters will return. In the meantime, enjoy your newfound ability to think about your life in a detached manner."

With an Arm Full of Poppies

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

7:42 PM - With an Arm Full of Poppies
Current mood: depressed


Just for you my little one:

My Precious Little Baby

My precious little baby,
Your face I've never seen.
Your skin I've never touched before,
Nor held you close to me.

You lived inside my body,
But only for a while;
Till Jesus softly whispered,
"Come home my little child."

You must have been a special child;
If God needed you up there,
Because heaven is a better home,
It's beauty can't compare.
So, till I get to heaven,
And see your shining face;
Jesus will take care of you,
And love you in my place.

Yes, Jesus loves His little lambs,
They sit around His throne;
So sit on Jesus' lap dear child--
Till Mommy gets called home

Written by Heather from the heart.

Profound

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

7:40 PM - Profound

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." -Mother Theresa

The Serenity Prayer

Thursday, July 05, 2007

9:09 PM - Serenity Prayer


The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Relief? Regret?

Thursday, May 10, 2007

6:16 PM - Relief? Regret?
Current mood: depressed


This is just me rambling and trying to sort my feelings out. I couldn't figure out why I'm so emotional today. I tried blaming pms but the truth is I really think that today the only excuse I have is the calendar. I can't believe that today makes four months. I don't even know what to think. I hardly know what to feel. Relief? Regret? The only emotion I seem to have anymore is selfpitty. And to top it off, I feel like I'm slowly slipping out of your life... I keep hoping that it's probably just me trying to deal with everything and not really true, because even though I've felt distant and pushed you away the last little while I really wouldn't know what to do with myself if I lost you. There's so much I want right now..

I just want to run into your arms and be held, feel safe again, and know everything will be okay.

I want to look into your eyes and be able to see that you love me.

I want all the pain to be gone.

I want to get those horrible images out of my eyes and that smell out of my nose.

I want to be happy again.

Hearing "I love you" isn't enough anymore I want to feel it, be there, know it.

I want to know that I'm the one you want.

I want to know that we will always be together.

I want to know that you want the same thing.

I want the old me back.

I want the old "us" back.

I'm tired of her getting it all.

I'm tired of feeling so alone in a crowded room.

I'm tired of feeling like we're being pulled apart knowing that in the end all I want is you.

You are my Superman, the one who can make my spirits soar.

You're there every time I need you. I want to re-learn how to let you in.

You are the one that can make any little pain of mine go away.

You make my life complete.

You are my best friend and I love you so much.

Please hold on to me. Please don't let me go. Please.

Find a Penny; Pick it Up

Saturday, April 28, 2007

10:41 AM - Find a Penny; Pick it Up
Current mood: drained


All day long you'll have good luck... or so the story goes...
Remember this every time you pass that little penny in the parking lot.

The Penny

I found a penny today
Just laying on the ground.
But it's not just a penny,
this little coin I've found.

Found pennies come from heaven,
That's what my Grandpa told me.
He said Angels toss them down
Oh, how I loved that story.

He said when an Angel misses you,
They toss a penny down.
Sometimes just to cheer you up,
To make a smile out of your frown.

So, don't pass by that penny,
When you're feeling blue.
It may be a penny from heaven,
that an Angel's tossed to you.

So now pass this on to the people who you care about
and who you feel are Angels to you !

I just did.

An Angel is now watching over you.

Just for the Three of Us

Sunday, April 22, 2007

10:59 PM - Just for the Three of Us
Current mood: gloomy


Can You Be A Mother When Your Baby Is Not With You?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
when your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say..."

We go to earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear,
My mummy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mummy,
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My mummy set me free.

I miss my mummy oh so much
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillows where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear
Mummy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here."

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home
And this is where they'll stay."

"They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize
You are a mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one."

Right Practical Choice, Wrong Emotional Choice

Monday, April 09, 2007

7:49 PM - Right practical choice, wrong emotional choice
Current mood: indescribable


Every once in awhile we reach a time in our lives that becomes the pivital moment of our entire being.

The moment that defines who we are, what we will become, how we will react to those moments that follow, that one moment that changes everything.

The moment that is so profound it may even change what you believed were your most staunch beliefs.

The moment that you think back to days, weeks, months, and even years later and wonder, "what if?"

"What if I hadn't robbed you of that moment?"

Would I feel the pain, the grief, the numbness I feel now?

Would we be sharing a new moment together?