And quite honestly, it's more of a struggle than one might think. Between the stress of dealing with people who have absolutely no common sense... needing more hours in the day... trying to figure out what, when, where, and God knows whatever else to do with my life (you know, since Plan A was usurped)... and today. This. God. Awful. Had. To. Come. Anyway. Day. I'll be the first to admit, I'm not feeling it this year. I know I should be more ecstatic that I'm alive. I'm breathing. I go to bed in my own bed and I get the chance to come back home to that bed. Every day. But I'm still trying to understand why he doesn't. Why it all happened. It's still raw. It still hurts. I still miss him. I still cry myself to sleep. I still wait for him to call. Especially today. He always made such a big thing about my birthday. Always made sure I felt extra special today. Always went out of his way to let me know how much he loved me and appreciated that I was born and in his life.
The other thing that is leaving me out of sorts... juvenile as it might be... and maybe there's some sort of psycho diagnosis for this... but even though physically I'm feeling two years older... mentally... I'm stuck at 30. Thirty is when life went to hell in a hand-basket. The entire year sucked. Why in the hell would I want to be stuck at 30. Jim started the year out by having pneumonia. Six months later he was killed. Three months later my grandpa passed. Two months later my grandmother passed. I spent most of July, September, and November (just in 2008, don't even ask me how many trips I made in 2009... ten... that's not an exaggeration... )in Colorado and traveling and discovering that it was by the grace of God that I wasn't killed too... something I'm really struggling with right now in and of itself. It's probably time to start calling it all what it is. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Survivor's Guilt.
So, here's to another year... who knows what it will bring... the only thing I know for certain is that it's going to start out with me sleeping in (thank you to Bossman for the wonderful extra hours off in the morning... truthfully, he gave me the day, but I don't have a life and I'm still trying to get caught up from the months of August and October and passed on that idea)...
And in case you missed it... happy effing birthday to me... blah!
4 comments:
Hey happy birthday! I really hope you have an amazing day! You're an amazing person, hope you know that! Loves you!!!
Happy Birthday!! Hope you got to do something fun! Thinking of you!
Like my blog post last year on your birthday mentioned Plan B is taking it one day at a time and seeing what happens down the road. That's the best option you have. You're too young for a mid-life crisis anyway. ;)
Thanks guys! You all rock :)
Ahhhh Shan... I had my quarter-life in my twenties... I don't plan on having another one until my mid-life ;) The first one wasn't all that fun as it was!
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