Tuesday, July 10, 2018

A Decade Without You

As often happens, I've thought for weeks of writing a post and now that the time has come I'm feeling speechless and unable to get my feelings from my chest to the keyboard. This day. This year. I don't know what it is about this year - 10 years - but it's been the hardest "anniversary" of your passing. Only those closest to me understand it. The tears that come on for no real reason other than an oddly timed memory, a picture, a song, a scent... a realization that after 10 years your name and phone number are still in my phone - 5 phones and a new phone number later... the life I've made is the one we dreamed about. The home in the mountains with friends and family near by. A place for entertaining but also a retreat of solitude. I know I have you to thank for so much of it falling into place (even ironically down to ending up as a "waddles" type of surname - touche f*ck-a-duck). I feel you near so very often still. Life is still very much gauged by life before Jim, life during the case and trial, and life after Jim. I wonder how much different everyone's lives would be if you were still here. Mine. Theirs. Others close to me who have now stepped into your role on my path. One day I'll take him to where it all happened so he'll get a better understanding. One day, when I am strong enough to stand in that place again.

But until then... because it is a good thing for all to remember you existed in more than just photos and because your voice still gives me strength when I need it...

Love always, still, and forever,
Tara Ann

Friday, July 10, 2015

7 Years

Dear Jim,

It's hard to believe that today marks seven years since you left to spend the weekend with the kids. It's harder to believe that you've now been gone physically from my life just as many years as you were in it. I'll admit there are still days a memory hits me and I can't hold back the tears. I suppose that's a good thing.

I've heard it said that crying proves it mattered.

And God knows you matter.

Thank you for giving me a purpose and direction in my life.

Thank you for showing me how to love deeply and how to give unselfishly.

Thank you for showing me how to be happy and for reminding me I deserve to be happy.

Thank you for helping me to cope over these last rough years, for putting people and activities in my path to make me get out of my comfort zone and prodding me along even when tearing off the scab felt like it would kill me.

Thank you for everything you have done while in this world and now where you are.

For showing me that while some birds do mate for life when one is left behind and is as loyal as we were to each other that it's okay to take a leap of faith and try to love again.

And though you can never be replaced, thank you for putting a man in my path who could help me through those early years of grief and who would want to protect and care for me in a way I thought only you would ever be able to.

Thank you for shaping me into the woman I have become today and for helping me to have the strength to make it through the next journey and book of my life.

Thank you for watching over me and helping to make this happen.

Thank you for making sure that I could be blessed to be loved by a man who couldn't stand to live without me in his life and who would love me as much as you did.

Thank you Mr. Waddles, for all of this and so much more. My heart aches and overflows at the same time with words that can only be expressed in feelings.

I miss you but I know a part of you lives on in my memories and heart... even if it's time for me to give it fully to someone else.

Our story will never truly end.

Please don't stop watching over us.

The hard part has only just begun.

Tara Ann

Monday, February 9, 2015

The Overdue Post

January marked 14 years since the sunny bluebird sky day you swept me completely off my feet. Who would have thought 14 years would pass so quickly and yet feel like a lifetime all at the same time?

I've thought about a million things to write. Some just too personal to share. Well, not really. This was always meant to be a place for us and it seems silly to even think about censoring it. But the truth is, every time one of those silly television shows airs there's about 2,000 more people who find their way here and while I don't mind the browsing of what has been said I simply cannot bring myself right now to share some of the things truly in my heart at the moment. Some things I want left just for the two of us. Somethings still remain sacred to me. To us.

Especially during this time of transition. Seems like my life has been one constant transition since the moment we met. Certainly since the moment you left it. I found this article today and so much of it could have been written by me (if I had a decent writer's bone in me). It was like reading a little glimpse into my soul.

I miss you.

Like crazy.

I'm excited and scared and elated to take the next steps into the next book of my life (I refuse to call it a chapter - you were always more than a chapter - our journey was a saga all of its own). God. What made me think I could type this in the middle of the work day? I've closed my door. The tears are flowing. It's true what they say. A true love never dies.

I lit a candle on the 13th for you. For us. For all that was. For all that could have been. For all that should have been. There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder. Question. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of you. Sunshine Jim. Always smiling. Reaching out with a good jab to the ribs. Poking your head around a corner.

I miss you. I thank you every day for the love you showed me. For the love you allowed me to give. For helping me to know I could love again. For putting people in my path to help me along. You're gone. But not really. You're here. Everyday. Every tear. Every moment.

Love always,

Friday, December 19, 2014

Happy Birthday Mr. Waddles

They say your birthday will get easier with time... I've yet to see how. I hope there was frothy beer passed around up there today. Tonight, I'll light a few candles, wipe away a few more tears, and relish in the memories we were lucky enough to make. Happy birthday to the most amazing person I have ever been lucky enough to have capture my heart and soul.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Happy Birthday ECD

Happiest of birthdays to you! The big 17. I was listening to a music app with a Summer of 2000 station and when this song came on. It made me think of your father and his adoration for you. I remembered driving along with him one day when this song came on the radio. He got a little teary eyed as he told me some of moments he had shared with you and how much he cared about you. You and your brother really were the lights of his life. Remember to celebrate yourself for more than your one day. Life is a journey worth celebrating every day. Be kind to yourself. Don't be afraid to love.

Lots of love,