And then the triggers hit...

I try to bury a lot of feelings these days. I know eventually I'll have to deal with them. But some nights it's the only way to sleep. Then it's like the world conspires to make me spend the evening crying. Like tonight.

After declining the request to go with a friend to K-Mart to pick out a trac phone (seriously, why anybody uses those is beyond me, but whatever) and then having to explain my (1) now deep rooted aversion to K-Mart and (2) why even if I had overcome that doing that exact activity would never in a million years work for me I managed to get myself worked up but simultaneously worked back down in the same evening.

Only to check in on the DOC site like I have a bad habit of doing and seeing that one of the three were on the move. First the Denver Reception Center now to Sterling. That doesn't bother me. What pisses me off is that after countless forms and submissions, I wasn't notified. Seriously. WTF? Somebody at Colorado DOC and I are going to have a come to Jesus meeting next week. Why make the victims jump through all these hoops just to ignore them?

I spent tonight watching 2/3 of my nieces and nephews and youngest brother (5 kids from 3-11). I was okay until bath time. Something about the routine of it. The assembly line of kids through the tub made me realize again the life I'm missing out on with Jim.

The holiday didn't help.

So it should come as no surprise that my nerves are a little raw and I'm more than on the edge tonight. Like about to be pushed off the cliff over the edge.

So then why am I surprised that I'm sitting here bawling while I type this? It's not like I've gone days or even a week yet without having some kind of crying fit. It's just the first one in a while in which I can't seem to shut it down. There's no room left to push the rest down and make space for tonight.

I miss him. I'm scared. And I really need a hug from him. Something to tell me it's all going to be alright. To remind me to find my strength. To help me see that I'll be safe. Because tonight I don't feel it. I feel shattered. Scared. Lonely. Numb. Exhausted. And like I'm spiraling towards rock bottom in a hurry. Only I can't see the bottom and that scares the hell out of me even more. I've lost complete control of my emotions. My feelings. My thoughts. My head is spinning and the panic attacks are winning.