Happy Anniversary Mr. Waddles

Eleven years sure does fly by fast... Thank you for the music tribute this morning, though it's left me a little more than raw. The visit in the wee hours was super sweet too. You're still the best :*

Love, me

Happy Birthday Mr. Waddles...

In the complete irony that was and continues to be your life today the Colorado AG's office files their response in the first round of appeals... here's to the continuation of Divine intervention... miss you Honey ♥

Happy Birthday ECD

Keep on becoming the wonderful young woman your father was and continues to be so proud of and stay true to yourself first and foremost.

A Belated Birthday Wish

Believe it or not... I've not forgotten. ARD has been on my mind all weekend and week long. Actually, for several weeks coming up to the big day. I just don't know what to say. Yeah, me at a loss for words. I know you're all shocked.

So... happy belated birthday ARD. I know your dad is there every day checking in on you because he still checks in here too. Though we've never met we still have that one thing in common - the unconditional eternal love of an amazing man who I wish you had the chance to still have in your life.

Much love,

The Swarm...

It felt bizarre, surreal, and completely out of place to be packing up bags in the hotel room knowing that 50 miles or so away there was a buzz of commotion happening that day. Pulling out and driving east and north to head home when all the action was west of where we'd been. It was as if we were leaving before our job was done. Granted, we'd be back. I knew that much for a fact. I glanced at the police station on my way past and started to feel that hole that had suddenly been created in my heart.

I've wondered now for three years how anyone could have search warrants presented and their house and cars gone through and not know that the gig was up? How could anyone with half a conscious sit there and pretend they didn't already know he was dead? How could they pretend they'd driven as far as Texas Creek to look for Jim but never as far as Canon City again? And yet his car had been found in the Lone Pine pull out... in plain view. Some questions I'll never have answers to.

Some I understand a little more with each passing day. I've done a lot of reading in the last year about individuals who could do that. If anyone is interested in trying to understand just how a person could sit there and try to play the authorities after such a brutal event might I suggest checking out "The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us" by Martha Stout. It helped to know we hadn't been alone in dealing with people with that type of mentality.

Driving...

That's what we did for days straight on end. Looking. Hoping. Wondering. Somehow knowing but not wanting to admit the worse. Trying to keep the thoughts positive. As if that could change the outcome.

Waiting a few hours on Monday morning to go back into the police station to talk to someone. Anyone. Some news. Any news. Questions from my end. Why were this and that and those questions phrased that way? Do you have Jim's car? Why were there glimpses of recognition in the detectives eyes when I said the front seat was covered in chewing tobacco? No, I don't buy it's because they chew too. Someone tell me something. Anything. Here's the password to the email account I remembered after leaving Friday because you know I was a little more than stressed during that 90 minute interview after finally ignoring the just stay in Wyoming advice and driving straight through all night long. Should I have left the checkbook? How about the bank statement? He has credit card payments due this week, do I make those? Do I pay the bills until he is brought home? Ordinary course of business around a place like that?

Having driven into all the pullouts and recreation areas we started to check all the campgrounds and surrounding forests. Atop the Royal Gorge area in the parking lot of the Royal Gorge Bridge the cell phone rang. It was my stepdad telling me that someone was trying to reach us. You've never seen a car pull out of that lot so fast. Caught in cell phone hell and trying to call the Captain. Getting to "that" spot on the highway and finally having a decent reception.

"We can be there in 10 minutes." "No, we'll meet you at your room." This can't be good. If it was good they would let us see them at their office.

The hotel staff had this look of sheer terror when we walked like zombies through the door... I'd find out months later that the Department had already been there once thinking we'd be waiting patiently for information. Nothing was said but everyone knew. The foyer was heavy when we walked in the door. It got heavier the closer to our room we got.

The knock at the door sounded so hollow. Brief introductions. And then. The news. Not that we didn't know it. When the call came in the realization that the sirens weren't for an accident on Saturday night hit like a tidal wave. I still wasn't prepared to actually hear it. And even if a part of me was I wasn't ready to hear he'd been shot in the head. No, they were nicer in the deliverance than that. I'm just so used to only asking questions I already know the answers to that I blurted out the foul play question before anyone in the room had time to prepare for how to tell me. The room still spins when I think of it. Everything for the next 30 minutes was surreal. Paperwork. Business cards. Hugs. Tears. Everything in slow motion. Like the replay of a really bad low budget movie. Discussion about what would happen next. Who to call. Who not to call. Who knew. Who didn't.

Sleeping. Lots of sleeping. Not because I was tired (though I was) but because my body didn't know what else to do. What do you do? What could I do? OMG the kids. The kids. In my gut of gut feelings I knew before I got to Colorado what the outcome was and who was already responsible. And now his kids are in their hands. Are they next? Am I next?

Is it a wonder the PSTD triggers are still there?

Technically...

I do believe today is the actual date posted on Jim's death certificate... only because it's the day that the corner and dentist were able to positively identify the dental records...

I know he couldn't stand to watch me cry when he was alive... and I know it's even harder for him since passing... but there are times I have to give myself permission to cry and just allow it to all pour out... tonight is one of those times.

"You'll get over it...' It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to?" ~ Unknown

Love you forever and ever Waddles :*

It's All In the Timing...

I heard a series of sirens tonight... not a big deal on most days... but today wasn't like most days. Today it was the trigger I needed to push me one more time... Today I kept thinking about the Saturday three years ago on July 18, 2008. The one my mom and I spent driving around Fremont County and the surrounding areas for the second day in a row. The downed tree in the creek bed I sat on and had an intimate moment with a weasel... coming out of the road from Guffey and Cripple Creek and looking back towards the Parkdale Recreation Site... thinking for a split second we should go and check that lot just one more time... deciding we could barely keep our eyes open and our heads up enough to keep driving and turning left back into Canon City. After all the car hadn't been in the lot... it was just a feeling... Settling for a moment into the hotel room and hearing the sirens pull out from the ambulance barn next to the hotel and the police department across the street. Sending a quick prayer and thought to the "accident" and those involved. Finally crashing into a fitful sleep for the first time in a week. Never in a million years thinking that the prayers and thought were actually for us. We had been told to stay positive that this was still a missing persons case. But instead of an accident the call out was to recover Jim's body from the Arkansas River...

Three Years Ago Today...

Jim and I had lunch in town... kissed a long goodbye in the parking lot with the cottonwood fluff falling down around us like snow in July... and then he boarded a plane for Colorado...

He never made it to Salida to see the kids and they never made it to Canon City to see him...
he only made it as far as here...

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him still.

James "Jim" Glenn Durgan ~ December 19, 1970 - July 10, 2008

Waddles, I'm honoring your memory today with pizza and ice cream because those two foods always remind me of you. I'm pouring a shot of your Scotch to put on the mantle and I'm curling up with a good book and one of your shirts... it won't bring you back but it might make me feel like you're home for the afternoon because there are still days when walking in the door without you being here are more than I can handle. I love you still more today 1095 days later than I could have ever imagined on that afternoon. Nobody holds a candle to you. Nobody.

Love always and forever,

~ Tara Ann*

Happy Father's Day...

To the man I still consider the world's best dad.

Happy Memorial Day...

In honor of Memorial Day... Jim doesn't have a "graveside" per se but I did make it up to my leaning tree at the Bedford, Wyoming Cemetery where I left a little treat for the birds and squirrels tucked up in its branches.

♥ you forever Waddles :*

On This Mother's Day...

I can't help but think of the Mother's Day in 2008 that Jim and I spent together. Maybe it's the fact that I went to Yellowstone Bear World with my own mother this year. Even though we'd been just two weeks before. I have always enjoyed going there. But now it holds a special place in my heart. I always feel closer to Jim when I'm there. Silly. Maybe. Maybe not. There's something about petting the same animals he touched, standing where he stood, and feeling his presence that is comforting.

The deer he quickly became good buddies with. He's one of the few people I've watched actually get to pet one of the deers in the petting zoo.

We had an amazing weekend. Together. From the minute he got off the flight on Friday night until he flew back out on Monday morning.

Three years later I still wake up some mornings and wonder how he ever found his way to this tree.  How our world fell apart so quickly. How it came to be that he no longer wakes up laying next to me.

Waddles, I miss you and I love you. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wish there was more I could've done. If there's a reason and a purpose for everything I've only figured out one half of it and it's not the half related only to you. Hold the poppy a little longer today. And on this Mother's Day I thank him for being in the places I couldn't be. Love always and forever, Me

The Mood I'm In...

It's been a very long month. Extremely long. Right on par with July of 2008. Not near as drastic, but certainly full of its drama. And I'm feeling the need to breathe... and I'm craving one of Jim's perfect hugs. Those all encompassing, unconditional, loving, embraces. Hearing this song just about pushed me over a fine edge this morning...

10 Years Ago Today...

The most amazing man walked into my life and it's never been the same since...

This picture was taken the same year. He was 30. I was 23. We both look so young. And we both had so much ahead of us... he's still helping me get to the top of my mountains and challenges. But what I wouldn't give to have him here to hold my hand.

I don't handle change well.  I never have. Today I realized how much has changed since he passed away. Silly things really. The hotel he stayed in when I first met him (the one I gave him everything I had in) has been remodeled into condominiums. The restaurant we had our first date at has moved across the street. The gas station I pulled into after nearly plunging into the river in the middle of the winter is gone and a three story bank is in its place. The Taco Bell where we would sit and laugh for hours had a u-haul backed up to the kitchen door today. Silly things. I know. But all little things that held his memory.

Happy anniversary Mr. Waddles... I love you even more 10 years later than I did on that cold January day a decade ago when you took me in your arms and I felt the weight of the world disappear.

Love always and forever,
~ me*

Happy Birthday Waddles...

Dear Waddles,

If you were here, you'd turn 40 today. The big 4-0. You'd insist nothing be done or said about it. And you would know me well enough to know that I don't take no for an answer. Especially when it comes to celebrating you. And boy could I celebrate you. I miss shopping for December. Your birthday is separate from Christmas. I never cared what you said... you were worthy of two different days and gifts for both.

James Glenn Durgan (December 19, 1970 ~ July 10, 2008)

I've had this list going of things I've wanted to share about you for awhile. I put it aside for a bit. Picked it up. Put it down. A really rough work in progress. Still a work in progress. It seems fitting to share it now. In honor of what would be your 40th. You'd shake your head at me right now. Laugh. Make a joke to divert the attention from you. You were never one for the spotlight (well sober you weren't one for the spotlight :*) So, Babe, here's to you. In honor of your 40th birthday... forty things about you that I love and cherish... and still hold close to my heart.

FORTY THINGS FOR JIM'S FORTIETH BIRTHDAY

 

1. First of all, Jim was a real, live, breathing person who loved deeply and unconditionally.
2. JIM LOVED HIS CHILDREN. Equally.
3. Jim was the best father I have ever met.
4. Jim was gentle.
5. Jim was caring.
6. Jim was the ultimate listener.
7. Jim was the best friend a person could ask for.
8. Jim enjoyed hunting… anything…
9. Jim enjoyed taking ARD shooting… targets… squirrels… rodents… if it moved it likely wasn’t safe.
10. Jim enjoyed taking ARD and ECD on the bike paths and biking around town with them.
11. Jim loved getting out and about and being active.
12. Jim enjoyed fly fishing.
13. Jim loved taking the kids fishing.
14. Jim enjoyed a simple walk. Long walk. Short walk. It didn't matter as long as he got out.
15. Jim loved taking the kids camping.  He had several spots picked out for the summer.
16. Jim LOVED ice cream almost as much as he loved his kids… and the flavor didn’t matter… as long as it was ice cream.
17. Jim also LOVED pizza… he could eat pizza three meals a day for a month and be content. The all you can eat buffet pizza joints were put to the test when he was in town.
18. Jim enjoyed watching Beth swim and take an active role in her swim meets. He was excited that her time was only FOUR seconds off of the Jr. Olympic times.
19. Jim enjoyed going to ECD’s swim meets as much as he enjoyed watching her. He cherished the special time that the swim meet weekends enabled him to have with ECD and ARD.
20. Jim loved to huggle.  (In layman’s terms… snuggle/cuddle). (God, how I miss those hugs).
21. Jim was notorious for being the comic relief. 
22. Jim loved, loved, loved to give you the finger poke... and usually only he thought it was funny... 
23. Jim loved his scotch. The quickest way to his good side was to buy him a bottle as a present.
24. Jim also loved his beers. I can count on one hand the number of times I saw him drink the same beer more than twice. He loved the beer tour at that famous restaurant ;)
25. Jim had the biggest heart. He'd do anything for most anyone. Even if they had hurt him in the past.
26. Jim was quick to forgive and nearly as quick to forget. 
27. Jim was so very humble. He was so intelligent and so sexy and had it all but half the time he walked around without even recognizing it. 
28. Jim was easily embarrassed... and was absolutely adorable when he would blush.
29. Jim could walk into a room full of strangers and leave with 20 new friends.
30. Jim was an amazing lover.
31. Jim was the most patient man I've ever met.
32. Jim had (and still has) the best sense of humor of anyone I know. 
33. Jim loved to save money. He was a saver. I know, it's contrary to the mess he left behind, but realize that there were more fingers in that pot than just his.
34. Jim has the strangest luck. We would joke that if it weren't for bad luck he wouldn't have any luck at all. We called it the "Durgan Luck." Seems like if there was a way for it to happen... it would.
35. Jim really enjoyed his adult cartoons. South Park. Futurama. Those Japanese shorts. Spongebob. Don't ask. You're better off not understanding ;)
36. Jim also enjoyed literature. Not just reading. He'd find books on tapes to keep him entertained on long rides.
37. Jim was good at making the tough decisions in life. He had a way of looking at all sides of the situation. 
38. Jim kicked ass at dominoes. He could play online for hours. Unless there was a good "favor" on the line he was relentless and could beat me 98% of the time.
39. Jim loved playing poker. He was a very strategic thinking person and in his element at the tables.
40. Jim loved life. He had so much more to give us.

Dirty Gulch Road. 

County Road 12, Fremont County, Colorado

"I let the day go by

I always say goodbye

I watch the stars from my window sill

The whole world is moving and I'm standing still"

I miss you Waddles. Every day. Every minute. Every breath. I can't believe I'd ever have to say it, but I miss hearing, "fuck a duck." I miss your laughter. Your love. Your charm. Your kisses. Your embrace.

I'd give anything to give you a birthday kiss. To hold your hand. To hear your voice. To see that funny little freckle of yours just one more time. Even though, one more time would never be enough.

I love you.

Forever and always,
~ me*

All Week Long...

This has been my splash screen when I log in to one of my email accounts...

... as if I could ever forget... and how I'd love to send him a message... not that I can't... but one that he was alive to read...

You may want to avoid the blog on Sunday... the only thing I can promise is a long rambling post... it may or may not make sense... we'll see...

And then the triggers hit...

I try to bury a lot of feelings these days. I know eventually I'll have to deal with them. But some nights it's the only way to sleep. Then it's like the world conspires to make me spend the evening crying. Like tonight.

After declining the request to go with a friend to K-Mart to pick out a trac phone (seriously, why anybody uses those is beyond me, but whatever) and then having to explain my (1) now deep rooted aversion to K-Mart and (2) why even if I had overcome that doing that exact activity would never in a million years work for me I managed to get myself worked up but simultaneously worked back down in the same evening.

Only to check in on the DOC site like I have a bad habit of doing and seeing that one of the three were on the move. First the Denver Reception Center now to Sterling. That doesn't bother me. What pisses me off is that after countless forms and submissions, I wasn't notified. Seriously. WTF? Somebody at Colorado DOC and I are going to have a come to Jesus meeting next week. Why make the victims jump through all these hoops just to ignore them?

I spent tonight watching 2/3 of my nieces and nephews and youngest brother (5 kids from 3-11). I was okay until bath time. Something about the routine of it. The assembly line of kids through the tub made me realize again the life I'm missing out on with Jim.

The holiday didn't help.

So it should come as no surprise that my nerves are a little raw and I'm more than on the edge tonight. Like about to be pushed off the cliff over the edge.

So then why am I surprised that I'm sitting here bawling while I type this? It's not like I've gone days or even a week yet without having some kind of crying fit. It's just the first one in a while in which I can't seem to shut it down. There's no room left to push the rest down and make space for tonight.

I miss him. I'm scared. And I really need a hug from him. Something to tell me it's all going to be alright. To remind me to find my strength. To help me see that I'll be safe. Because tonight I don't feel it. I feel shattered. Scared. Lonely. Numb. Exhausted. And like I'm spiraling towards rock bottom in a hurry. Only I can't see the bottom and that scares the hell out of me even more. I've lost complete control of my emotions. My feelings. My thoughts. My head is spinning and the panic attacks are winning.

What do you think of religion?

Day 19---What do you think of religion?

A friend of mine caused quite a stir last weekend when he posted this quote, "Morality is doing what is right regardless of what you are told ... Religion is doing what you are told regardless of what is right." (no credit as he didn't cite)

I say to each their own. I believe there's got to be some cosmic force. I'm still discovering what it is. I don't believe there's a closed-hearted all seeing being who would deem that without certain rites and ceremonies Jim and I will never see each other again. I listen to the nature around me. I'm led by my intuition. I give thanks to the Universe. And I hope that when my time comes I'll have lived a good enough life to make Jim proud of me. Because to me that's all that matters. Still.

A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 17---A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Allow me to introduce you to the first real story of strength. Mine has nothing on hers. A book I read so much it was confiscated many times until I'd get my other work done. A book my mother showed me through her own strength was worth fighting to keep on the school's shelves when they threatened to censor my school's library. A book that still intrigues me. Still makes me weep. Still makes me wonder how the world we live in could be so cruel. A book that made me appreciate what I had and have. A book that opened my eyes to the world outside of myself.

Diary of Anne Frank

"It’s a wonder I haven’t abandoned all my ideals, they seem so absurd and impractical. Yet I cling to them because I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart.

It’s utterly impossible for me to build my life on a foundation of chaos, suffering and death. I see the world being slowly transformed into a wilderness, I hear the approaching thunder that, one day, will destroy us too, I feel the suffering of millions. And yet, when I look up at the sky, I somehow feel that everything will change for the better, that this cruelty too shall end, that peace and tranquility will return once more" - July 15, 1944

And while my sufferings and life have in no way been as traumatic as hers, I still hold out the hope too, Anne, that when I look up at the sky everything will change for the better. Somewhere, somehow, he sees it too and in that brief moment the world is a little less cruel of place to exist.

Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 16---Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Wow. This one is kind of hard. I've weeded a lot out over the last couple of years. My life is in no way minimalistic, but it has been scaled back to a degree that there really isn't too much left to cut out.

You know what though. As I sit here blogging away and thinking I'm watching a sappy movie on t.v. Something I decided to do after a day of missing Jim. I miss him every day, but today I'm really struggling. I think it's the time of year. I keep going back to the story no one really knows. The one story I still hold near and dear to my heart. The story that will keep us bound for an eternity.

And it's made me weepy. So you know what. The one thing I could live without right now... crying. Hard to do when I'm constantly stumbling along gems like this quote from Nicholas Spark's book, "Message in a Bottle."

"If some lives form a perfect circle, other take shape in ways we cannot predict or always understand. Loss has been part of my journey. But it has also shown me what is precious. So has love for which I can only be grateful."

It's hard to live with the tears. But I can't imagine living without them either. The tears only prove that I hurt and am still in pain. And the pain. The pain proves that I loved. I loved hard and strong and faithfully through the bitter end.