I thought about a lengthy post that would adequately express all the feelings in my heart. But then I started to go back through some of the older posts on the blog and decided to take a look back on the month before your passing. It wasn't an easy month by any stretch.
There were growing pains.
There were lessons being learned.
There was laughter.
There was joy.
There was sadness.
There was adjusting to living with each other.
There was fun.
And there was always love.
Looking back I can see where some of the other plans to take you away were already failing. How I wish they all would have failed. I still carry a lot of heaviness in my heart about all that happened. For a few days this past month I had nearly forgotten that this morbid anniversary was arriving. But a death in the family pushed the losses in my life to the forefront and a juggling of the calendar to see which days I could take off to attend to family responsibilities had me staring the reality and the loss of you right there on the calendar. I tried to go about today as if it had been like every other day since you've been gone. Then the irony of the way today is set to play out hit me like a load of bricks. I am sure for the rest of the world it's just another Thursday afternoon. One much like the other 52 in a year. But for me today, especially today, running errands into town and meeting with a friend for lunch because Bossman is out golfing it hit me that THIS year, THIS Thursday, TODAY is not only the exact calendar date in which you caught your last flight out of Jackson, but it's the EXACT same day of the week. I'm having lunch with a friend much like the lunch we met to have before your flight took off. The weather is just as unpredictable today as it was that day in 2008. The cottonwood is making everything a mess (streets, cars, allergies - all the same). It seems surreal that life just keeps going forward and while so much changes so much remains the same. And yet, nothing really is the same. I'll go to lunch. I'll smile like I'm not still being torn apart on the inside. I'll finish out my work day and return home to the place I share with someone who loves me just as much as you did, but still with that corner of my heart and soul that will always remain yours and yours only. Always wondering about the what ifs, the where would we bes, and the whys. Still left with the whys. That's really sometimes what it comes down to; isn't it?
I miss you babe. I'm eternally thankful for the man you were and are, for the way you taught me to love unconditionally, for the woman you helped to shape me into, and for your continued guidance and meddling. Nothing and no one can ever fully replace you or what we shared, but I am looking forward to the next chapter that I know you are helping to write for me.
Love always and forever and ever,
