I was asked to do the show and I passed because each time I relive that year it feels like a little piece of me dies all over again. The producer offered to pay a small sum to have me help behind the scenes (i.e, interview me) and I passed on that as well though they'd said they would still let me know when it was going to air. To say the least, I was a little surprised by the comments that started to roll in to my email (though all were very touching and I thank each of you for that). So I carved out time this afternoon to see what aired... and while I really, really, really wish that the story would quit being sensationalized I was pleasantly surprised by what I found this time.
Did it make it any easier to see it all played out in front of me again? No. Quite honestly it never will get easier. There's been one completed appeal process and another appeal action is in the works and I know this scab over my emotions will never fully heal. And I have come to accept that fact. However, for a moment today there was a silver lining. It was so very nice to hear the sweet and sincere compliments made about me by the reporters, the D.A., and the detective and though it may seem silly to most, even after all this time has passed I suppose I needed to hear from someone other than my family and friends just what my role in Jim's life meant to him at that time. And to see that even complete strangers who I never met were able to piece together his story - our story - in a way that someday down the road those who have questions can receive a few answers and a glimpse into the man I fell so much in love with on that cold January night. The man who still continues to steal my heart and who is missed just as much today as was the day flew out nearly 6 years ago.
2 comments:
Hello Tara, I watched your story today and I am so sorry for your loss. I have read your blog posts and the - not always pleasant - comments.
And yes, whilst Jim was wrong to cheat, I don't see how that would be your blame considering you didn't know.
What especially made me tear up is that you were still there, years later, to pick up and continue your love and life story.
I am so sorry that was taken from you and the horrible way Jim was killed. The reason I did a Google search for you is because it has been 6 years and I had hoped to find you met someone else, got married & perhaps had children of your own by now.
Not that it would make you love Jim less.
But this is still your life to live and I hope and pray you will find a person who will love you and be with you forever. You deserve it.
I hope that what happened will someday be something you have accepted, no matter how tough that is, in order for you to move on.
I hope you have wonderful friends who will always listen, no matter when.
And I am so sorry this evil happened to you. Am mind boggled as to the why Jim was killed, clearly there were and are no winners. I always want to believe in the good of people. ...the events as they unfolded....none of the parties changed their mind and decided to call it off. This didn't happen in a moment of passion.
I just cannot put my mind around this overwhelming evil and it makes me sad to the core.
I will pray you will find someone who will love you unconditionally forever and always in this lifetime. You deserve it.
May God be with you,
Bianca
Bianca, Thank you for your very kind and thoughtful post. I am so blessed to be very much surrounded by friends and family who listen and still support me and even strangers like you who reach out to express your feelings and thoughts.
I am working toward the things you had hoped to find when you found this blog. It's not been easy. The trial process took an entire year after Jim passed (Kris & Brian were actually sentenced on the first anniversary of Jim's passing and Andy's trial was the month after). It took me another full year just to be able to finally slow down enough from the traveling back and forth to Colorado to wrap my head around the tragedy and really grieve (all while maintaining a full time job and two businesses). Another year of figuring out the dating game again (not as easy as it was before 30 - lots to learn about how naive I still was and a lot of heartache to overcome). There were two more years of figuring out who was capable of keeping up with me intellectually and who wasn't (not to mention who would and could handle some of the baggage that came with this, like the t.v. show interviews, the random mean comments from strangers when the shows air that can really play havoc with the emotions, etc.). Honestly, I don't know that I'll ever come to terms with the way Jim was taken. As you pointed out it was pure evil and nobody pulled out of the plan (not once, not twice, not even with the third attempt - something they've not covered in the t.v. shows).
There is a silver lining though... after 5 1/2 years and with a lot of help from Jim I have been able to find someone who loves me very much and *hopefully* we will be heading towards forever (we're certainly on the right track for it right now :)). I don't write about it in this space out of respect for both the men involved. This was, and always will be, Jim's and mine's space. I leave this space open as a place to grieve and sometimes vent and as a place where one day when his children are grown and asking questions that nobody else can answer they can hopefully find a little bit of comfort in either remembering the man their dad was or learning more about who the man he was when he was when he was being unconditionally loved.
I promise, to you and the other four consistent readers of this blog, that if the day comes when I do reach that pinnacle next step I will make an appropriate post at that time. Until then I think it's hard enough for anyone to have to live up to Jim's shadow without having it published across the internet. Though I'll tell you this much for now... Jim has a wicked sense of humor and the man he's helped bring into my life has a fowl of a last name so the "Future Mrs. Waddles" may end up being more than a play on Jim's nickname... I'll keep you posted ;)
Many continued blessings to you and your family as well,
Tara Ann
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