I'm so glad I have this blog to remind me of some of the important things that Jim has told me over the years. Here's a gem from last Thanksgiving that worked in that situation... and holds even truer now. I keep feeling like I'm weak if I break down and cry. Like for some reason I have to hold it all in... but in Jim's own words, "... and he let me know that he doesn't expect me to be able to just get over it and that he's there whenever I need him and that he understands if it takes me a lot longer to figure out my feelings and emotions... And that includes unlimited crying time, whenever, wherever..." I know that he still doesn't expect me to get over that... and he certainly doesn't expect me to handle this 24/7. It was okay to break down then... it certainly is okay to break down now...
Near this post was also a post of a poem I'd found by Brenda Hager. I'm going to try my hardest in the next couple of weeks to emulate this poem. I know it won't be easy, but I'll walk tall with my head held high because that's what Mr. Waddles would want of me... but when I get home... I'll know that it's okay to cry.
You Are One of the Strongest Women I Know
Strong women are those who know the road ahead will be strewn with obstacles, but they still choose to walk it because it's the right one for them.
Strong women are those who make mistakes who admit to them, learn from those failures, and then use that knowledge.
Strong women are easily hurt, but they still extend their hearts and hands, knowing the risk and accepting the pain when it comes.
Strong women are sometimes beat down by life, but they still stand back up and step forward again.
Strong women are afraid. They face fear and move ahead to the future, as uncertain as it can be.
Strong women are not those who succeed the first time. They're the ones who fail time and again, but still keep trying until they succeed.
Strong women face the daily trial of life, sometimes with a tear, but always with their heads held high as the new day dawns.
Waddles, help me be strong... help me be brave... hold me tight.
8 comments:
I came across your blog looking at the photography (which is beautiful by the way) and soon became wrapped up in your life. I feel like I know you (not a stalker we are just a lot a like). And now suddenly I am wrapped up in your grief. I can't imagin and I am so sorry!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Sound silly now considering what you are going through by my photos can be seen www.rafphotography.co.uk
Rebecca
Thank you raf. I understand. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, they are felt by many.
Tara I am sorry for your loss. I knew Jim since we were babies running around in diapers. I am glad he finaly found someone to love him for being the goofy lovable kind person he was. I will also always miss him and hold him in my heart. He was a freind and a brother I thank you for loving him sincerly Dave Godbehere
Dave,
I am so glad to hear from you. I have heard many, many, tales of mischievousness and mayhem and almost all of them involve you... Jim's eyes would light up when he would talk about his memories with you. He'd tried finding you on MySpace a couple of months ago. I wasn't sure if he'd found a way to connect with you or not. I think life got in the way. He would be so glad to know that you wrote to me. It means a lot to me as well.
I'm quietly laughing at your description of his as "goofy" because until that I'd never thought of that as an adjective to describe him - but it fits and in a good way. He was the most kind and lovable person I know and he taught me in so many ways how to reciprocate that love. I am glad he found me too. He's made become the woman I am today.
Please, don't be a stranger. If you need anything in this time of grief (because I know it's very hard on you too), please contact me... without saying more you know there are people with my contact information.
My thoughts and prayers are with you as much at this time as anyone else. Jim touched all our lives in so many ways that it will take some time to heal.
Love,
Tara
Hi Tara,
I am sorry for your loss. I was one of the instructors in RTP, NC during his visit here in 06. I had the privlege of working with Jim again last year in Blanca, Co. where he proved his skills in telecom. He was tireless and dedicated. I recall he put in more than 40 hours straight to make sure the network upgrade was completed. I messed up my rental car during one of my own mountian excursions and Jim gave me a ride to the job site for several days. The whole gang on that site picked on me for buying a tractor, sight unseen, except for a few emailed photos. As I studied the photos agonizing over the purchase, Jim playfully coined the phrase, "Tractor porn". It was so fitting as I was eaten up with tractor fever. I really enjoyed working with him and I wanted to let you know that many of us that knew Jim and worked with him are in total disbelief that he is gone.
Take care,
Todd.
Todd,
You're the "tractor porn" guy! Jim loved working with you... and ribbing you... you know that because of the way he teased you endlessly ;) He thought he was soooooooooooo clever the day he came up with that phrase... he went back to the hotel and called me to brag about it :)
Don't feel alone in his ribbing... he was still teasing me about something that happened several years ago... and if you look at the Interrupt v.s Interject post you'll have an insight to what his latest round of ribbing was over :)... give that man something to harass you about... and watch out :)
I remember hearing about your rental car escapade as well... was it a bent axle in the end? It was only last summer... you'd think I'd remember more clearly, sorry.
As much as he hated that job site (with all the things that went wrong...) he loved working with you and was excited when he found out that they were flying you in to work on the job with him. He'd go so many places where he'd get to meet so many new people, but it was always refreshing for him to get to see an old friend.
Thank you for being such a kind friend to Jim. And thank you for your comment. It's very special to me.
Love,
Tara
Tara, I too am sorry for your loss.I also knew Jim for for the last 20 yrs and He was the Best Man at my Wedding though the last time i seen or spoke to him was about 5 yrs ago when he came back to arizona to go on a camping trip with the old "crew" as usual, we all had a Blast!. Dave was correct when he described Jim as "Goofy" but that was what we all loved about him. that goofiness was what made "Jim".."Jim". i cant remember how many times i have heard him use the phrases : "Goddamn it!", "Fuck a Duck !" or the famous: "Dumb Bitch!" (when referring to one of many annoying girls that someone had brought along on one of the many camping trips). i will never forget how many times i threatened to break that god damned finger he was so fond of using to poke everyone in the ribs with either. if i know jim, i am sure you have felt like breaking that finger as well at times..:).Please feel free to drop me a note if ya need to chat .....Scott
Scott,
Thank you so very much for your memories of Jim. I will hold them dear to my heart with all the others we've created over the years.
Ohhhhh the phrases... he was good at them... although in recent years he'd tempered down the "Fuck a Duck" phrase because it led to his nickname and the purchase of several duck themed items (a duck rattle with "Waddles" embroidered on the belly... duck shaped mints from Bath and Body)... but his good nature kept him from calling me one of those "Dumb Bitches" over it and embracing it with that goofiness. I have to agree though... I've heard "dumb bitch" a lot; never to me or about me, just about others.... And if you listen to the video post on the blog the first thing you'll here is "Goddamn it!" (If you can translate through all the laughter)
The finger... the funny curved finger... the one that felt like it crushed every bone in your rib cage... I know well ;) But in recent years had convinced him that I bruise easily and was not one of the guys... so he was more apt to tickle me with that finger... it's been awhile since I've felt that pain... but boy... now that you've mentioned it... my side hurts :) I'd almost forgotten about that little 2nd grade move of his :) Thank you Scott for remembering... it's those little things that made me fall in love with him.
He so enjoyed the camping trip with his old friends; and the impression I got after it was that it should always remain just a guys trip :) Maybe you guys can hold one in his honor... drink lots of beer... fish... play poker... and remember the good ol' days.
Thanks again for your comment. Every comment left means so much to me. It is so touching to know that so many people love Jim as much as I do.
Love,
Tara Ann
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