11 Weeks...

Hi Sexy :)

It seems almost silly to even keep track of the weeks that pass anymore. I thought about foregoing this week's letter to you, but realized that as long as the phone rings and I still expect it to be you... I'm not ready to stop counting the weeks.

When I went down to Colorado last week I was anxious, depressed, and a ball of giant sorrow... clueless as to what to expect. What happened will forever be etched in my memory. The sights... the sounds... the smells... all of it forever like a continuous nightmare I can't seem to awake from... and then there were the small moments that will shine through my mist of pain just as clearly... the rainbows on that ridge... the dragonfly that flew up and past me when I dropped the one-eyed Susan into the water's edge... the purple hued caterpillar the next night that seemed to find its way from the boulder to my feet and looked directly at me before slipping away between the rocks and back towards the water (for once I had a camera with me).

This was the week that I came to a couple of realizations... the most significant being that no matter how much I would like to implicitly trust those who feel they loved you too... I can't. They've hurt me with their lies too much... perhaps it's a vernacular issue... I think of spur of the moment as say throwing a barbecue and having those who live in town come over... people arriving from further than say sixty miles away would certainly take some planning... or perhaps it's because I can put two and two together and still come up with four... no matter how many times and ways I look at the situation... swim meet... nobody playing all hail to the Queen... phone call requesting to have my blog taken down the following day indicating the only reason the request is being made is because they don't want their names mentioned on it... knowing right there and then that "they" had not read it then... hmmm... wonder who is pulling those strings... you and I both know... and yet, people act surprised when I call the white elephant in the room... you of all people would appreciate that... we were kindred souls when it came to eliminating the games and those that play them from our lives... and yet I'm called bitter for removing myself from the unneeded drama...

Tonight while I was walking the dogs I glanced down the roadway you were walking on earlier that week... and I felt overwhelmed with guilt... and very selfish... I was stubborn that night because I didn't know how to deal with her and the constant barrage... I left you alone to finish the walk home... and now realize that I was so stupid... what if they would've been driving by at that moment? I know I shouldn't go there... but I can't help but... I have felt so violated in our space... our home... our neighborhood... I've changed the locks, but I still am constantly looking over my shoulders. I saw a couple driving around last night and normally when someone looks that lost I would flag them down and give them directions... now I think twice of every lost stranger I encounter... I shouldn't have to feel this way in our own backyard.

Then I can't help but think that if I would've been more persistent and convinced you to stay home just for one more weekend that you might still be here... or maybe if we'd stayed with the status quo... I'd rather have you married than murdered... as long as you could be here with me now... I need you here to laugh with me when I have a "Tara Moment"... to hold me when I'm scared...

We thought this was the week from hell... and looking back through the pictures of you laughing through it all makes me wish that I had your strength...

Your buddy "B" sent me a link to a song tonight... the lyrics are raw and exactly how I feel right now... You always told me that you were the world's luckiest man... but the truth is... I was the world's luckiest woman... and I don't know how to survive without you...

* I Miss You - by Miley Cyrus*

You used to call me your angel
Said I was sent straight down from heaven
You'd hold me close in your arms

I loved the way you felt so strong
I never wanted you to leave
I wanted you to stay here holding me

[CHORUS:]
I miss you
I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear
Every once in a while
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you

I miss you Waddles. I still can't picture life without you. I don't want to picture my life without you...

Forever yours,
Tara Ann