Struggling to Find the Words

My emotions are still reeling from this weekend. The immensity of the feelings I experienced have left me feeling a bit wiped out... raw, if you will. It was very intense to see the care and concern that Jim's friends had not only for him, but for his beautiful children as well. I silently cried each time I glanced over and saw one of those big strong men breaking down over the picture books... knowing that we all have lost so much with the passing of such an amazing man... wishing that we could all be together under happier circumstances.

I had planned an entirely different post for today (be forewarned, this week you just might get tired of hearing from me... I have A LOT to say...). Then I got word that an article ran in The Mountain Mail in Salida, Colorado this morning. You'll have to click on the photo to read the article in its entirety (it did not run as one of the top billed headlines, but instead a few pages into the daily publication). I know many people have warned me about the media, but I have to give my thanks to Casey Mills for writing a very classy editorial piece. I know that this has not been the easiest story to tell. I know BECAUSE I'VE BEEN LIVING IT EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY for far longer than I care to think about. And thank you to that special angel who made sure I received a copy of the article.

And this internet is where I reply to a couple of comments my blog received over the weekend - here and here. For the most part I have refrained from posting much related to the interactions I have had or not had with Mr. Waddle's relatives. But after receiving these comments and reading Mr. Mills' article I have to call the white elephant in the room A.G.A.I.N. Perhaps the rest of the world can see why I have waited a few days to reply to comments... perhaps you can even see why I have been hesitant to reply to emails from the same parties... and in case you miss it... re-read paragraph 5 and notice that there are no posts on my blogs about any recent travels to Arizona (apparently I was not considered a friend nor family at that time). There is however this which alerted me to the events... spur of the moment or not it was just the culmination of being pushed away the first week of August. It was enough for me to stand up for myself. I do not need to be and refuse to be treated as a second class citizen in my own life. If you wanted to consider me your sister you would've treated me like a sister before she was finally arrested. I do not deny that you are grieving as well. We all are. We all lost someone very dear and very special to us. But is it not enough to deal with the loss without having to deal with additional drama? Don't shut you out? Nobody thought twice about shutting me out. All I have done is chosen to not reopen the door at the moment. I do not trust easily and I have already had that trust taken for granted. I learned quickly this summer that the only people I can trust and count on are the same people who have supported Jim and I through all of our relationship... the same people who helped me look for Jim when he was missing... the same people who sat beside me and held my hand in that cold courtroom. THEY are the only people I owe anything to.