Because tonight I really need him.Not in that I want him sense (all though I do want him as well)... but in the I really, really, really need him sense. I need his comfort... I need his advice... I need his touch... I need to know that it's all going to be okay. I need my pillar because I can't seem to support myself anymore.
A friend called to check on me earlier today and she asked how my mom was and I told her she was trying to hold me up and every one else up... and that everything was fine for the most part... of course I spoke too soon because now she's on her way out to stay with her parents for a couple of weeks because my grandfather has had to have hospice called in and is most likely in his final stages of life... and I am trying so hard to put one foot in front of the other like the wonderful woman I met in Denver counseled me to... and like I told ARD to do... but I can't seem to find the footing for the next step... I need Jim to hold my hand and let me know it's all going to be fine... I need him to kiss my forehead and tell me that just because this wasn't how we planned it doesn't mean I can't handle it...
The same woman in Denver told me that Jim wanted me to see P.S. I Love You... a.g.a.i.n. We watched it two nights before he disappeared... she said there's a message in there for me... and while I think I found it... I can't for the life of me take any comfort in it yet... and I've tried and tried tonight... and all I can come up with are more and more tears...
Gerry Kennedy: Dear Holly, I don't have much time. I don't mean literally, I mean you're out buying ice cream and you'll be home soon. But I have a feeling this is the last letter, because there is only one thing left to tell you. It isn't to go down memory lane or make you buy a lamp, you can take care of yourself without any help from me. It's to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me Holly. And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life, Holly. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you
But I can't see anything... I feel blind and lost... and empty... like the streamers from the pity party are never going to come down... I've already lost so much this year that I can't bare to think of losing anymore... I've been told that God isn't supposed to give us any more than we can handle... but I'm not so sure he realizes that he's pushing my limits...
5 comments:
Talk about opening wounds to watch that show. I love it, but wow. I love the quote that spoke to you, and I'm sure it's true in your situation as well. Those who truly love us want the world for us and every happiness in it.
I hope you had some great pity party food along with your pity party movie, oh, and when I have one I am sure to wear giant sized footie pajamas or my teletubbie fleece jumper. It makes it more complete:) Hang in there.
I know it is sometimes hard to hear you will pull through when all you can see is the emotions you are drowning in. But you will and you will be stronger on the other side because not only have you made it through but you will feel him holding you up.
It is our nature to want that person there but he is so intertwined in your soul that he is part of you forever. And once it hurts a little less the more you feel that touch of his you so crave.
I just wanted to let you know that you don't have to be strong all the time, you can have as many pity parties you want. Do what you need to do to heal. And continue you lovely blog. It not only helps you but it helps us all!
You will put one foot in front of the other. I have no doubt. Because that is what he would want you to do.
Good grief girl! I cannot watch that movie myself, I can't even imagine watching it with your situation! Shoot. But I wish I was there to give you a big ol' hug, sounds as if you could use one. You are tough though, I know you'll make it through. Keep your chin up, I;m thinking about you!
Thanks ladies... I am trying... and with great comments from wonderful friends like you it gets a little easier... at least for a moment :)
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