19 Weeks

Goodbye Grizzly
1993 - 2008

Hey Sexy,

There was so much I wanted to write this week... but I just can't today. I'm hurting too much. I miss you soooo much... hearing the things that may have happened in your final hours here on this earth have left me emotionally drained. That sick bastard. I've never been a hating person... but I HATE THEM... ALL THREE OF THEM... I hate them for doing this to you... I hate them for taking you from me... I hate them for having no remorse.

This morning when I was leaving my parents' house after sleeping for a couple of hours between the trip up from Colorado and the trip back up to our home I found our childhood dog lying dead on the highway... Grizzly has been hit by a truck. And I couldn't call and cry to you. I thought of the time when we were down in Evanston and my horse Smoky died and you were there to hold me all night and tell me it was going to be okay... and now Grizzly is gone and you are gone and there is nobody to sit here and hold me all night... I really can't take any more loss this year. I don't know what to do. I hope it's true that all dogs go to Heaven... and that he's there with you keeping you company until I can see you again.

I got a letter in the mail today from one of the families I used to nanny on the weekends for (you know which one). Their mother sent a nice card letting me know they were thinking of us. The children signed it too... yeah, they're that old now... the youngest daughter wrote in scraggly 6 year old letters, "I'm sorry that your boyfriend died." I lost it.

Honey, I don't know what to do without you in my life. We were supposed to be planning the start of our future together and instead I'm left wandering around lost without you.

Nothing feels real anymore.

Nothing makes any sense.

The only thing I know for certain is that I still love you with all my heart... that you were the most amazing man to ever walk this earth... and that I will always introduce myself as "I am Jim's girlfriend" because I can't bring myself to say, "I was Jim's girlfriend."

Love always,
Tara Ann