31 Weeks...

Hi Sexy,

Who would have thought when I took this picture last year that two months to the day after taking it you would no longer be here. Who would've thought our first Mother's Day spent together would be our last? Certainly not me. Certainly not you.

Looking through the pictures tonight I've decided that this just might be my favorite candid of you. I love how it shows just how gentle you were. How your jaw, rugged with a days worth of stubble, was set when you were enjoying your tobacco. How you looked when you were deep in thought. How your hands could be strong and powerful in one moment and in the next you could be caressing a deer in velvet. But most of all... how it's just a serene moment between you and the deer... and of course my camera ;)

To my credit, I had been watching you from across the yard for quite some time before I took the picture. I loved watching you in action. You were such a charismatic man. Always lost in thought... and yet always present in the moment. I could watch you for hours.

I miss our long talks.

I miss hearing your voice last thing at night and first thing in the morning.

I miss feeling your arms around me... your strong hands entwined in mine.

I miss the sound of your heart beating when my head was resting on your chest.

I miss your fingers running through my hair while we watched t.v.

I miss hearing about the kids' daily escapades. About the middle school girl drama. About the latest crush.

I miss so many things. But most of all, I miss you. I miss how you made me feel. I'm not the same woman without you Babe.

The nights are still as long as they were that week in July. I cry myself to sleep... if sleep comes at all... and in that rare event that sleep does grace our bed I find myself waking several times a night in tears (and not the gentle oh look how sad tears... the giant hysterical shaking and rocking your body kind of tears).

And the tears aren't confined to only the nighttime... no... I am still crying anywhere and everywhere... I'm pretty certain everyone is more than over listening to me cry... I wish they got it. I know it seems like I'm not moving on. And I'm not. Because I can't. Their lives all went on. At the end of the day they all go home to their families and loved ones. And I come home to our empty condo filled with memories and promises that can't be kept. They go home to a house filled with noise... and I come home to a silent place... where even the phone hardly rings anymore... their lives all continued on... and I just continue to exist.

I miss you Honey.

Love always,
me*