Can We Get a New Captain?

I have a friend who is a little bit younger than me that I went to high school with and then, about the time Jim and I met, we ended up being neighbors. I met her when she was in the sixth grade and I've pretty much watched her grow up. I watched her fall in love and raise two babies and now her world as she knows it has changed. She did what so many people do in relationships... she grew up and, unfortunately, her husband didn't... so now they're divorcing and he's still playing his immature games... I don't understand these people who play such extreme mental games on people that they claim to either have loved or still love... but that's neither here or there right now.

The other night we had this conversation via IM:

Her: I get that life isn't fair, but I want to know why the one thing I put all of myself into, my heart, soul, trust, etc.... fell apart. It should have been the one thing that should have worked out.

Me: that right there, that's where you and I are in the same boat and it's hard because neither one of us volunteered to get in the boat and now we're expected to be the fucking captain.

Her: I want to be over it and not care, I just don't know how to do that.

I love that!!

I don't want to be captain! :(

Neither do I. I'm exhausted. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. Completely. I feel like my own ship is running aground on the rocks. I thought my life was going one way and now I find myself crying every day trying to figure out what we missed... how it could have been prevented... how he could still be here today... what we could have done differently... why they felt the need to destroy such a beautiful man's life... why every time I turn around I feel like I'm stuck in The Money Pit... I swear to God if I hear two more weeks one more fucking time I'm going to explode!

Maybe letting it run aground for a bit isn't such a bad thing. Maybe it'll give me some time to rest. What's the worse that could happen if I let go of the wheel? He's gone. He's never coming back. We're not getting the life and family we wanted. It can't get much worse than that.

What I don't understand is that the decision to take him from us was made so swiftly and on MULTIPLE OCCASIONS and yet we're all forced to wait patiently and quietly by...

After a second thought, never mind... I'm not letting go of the wheel... but I sure am damn tired of the uncharted waters changing every ten days.